Most of you may know that I recently started a marriage series. I have tackled subjects like The Anatomy Of An Apology, 7 Silent Killers To Marital Intimacy, What You Give Is What You Get, and Stop Laughing and Start Celebrating. All of which have been received very well and I love that this is the case. I get the feeling that marriage is topic that many people want to know more about or at least is intriguing. To continue the marriage series I am going to share with you the one thing to do after sex.
Some of you may be thinking that the one thing to do after sex is a smoke break or a drink break, that is not where I am going. If you have read my other marriage-related posts you know the posts are centered around improving your marriage. I myself am always striving towards being a better wife and today’s post I am sharing information that I believe will benefit you in your marriage.
The one thing to do after sex is TALK about it. Marital intimacy can be a touchy, weird, or strange thing to talk about but I believe it shouldn’t be. I believe that talking about marital intimacy is just a vital as having it.
First things first, be sure to create a safe, judgment-free zone. Be clear with your spouse that this is something you want to try and that what is said about this topic will be communicated with love and received with love. Pointing fingers and blaming the other for your discomfort is not going to end well.
WHY YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT
Think about it- if all you ever did was have sex and never discuss it how would you know you are any good at it? Before you leave this page, hear me out. You may be doing something that you think the other person likes, when in fact, does not care for. And vice versa. The intention to please is there but the act falls short. If you never talk about it with your spouse how do you know you are on the same page?
Let’s look it another way, in school when you got a test back you saw which questions you got wrong. To become a better student you figured out where you went wrong and made the correction so that next time you would get the question right. To become a better spouse it is vital to become a student and talk about the things that go wrong. That’s not to say that your intention to make the other person happy is bad there just needs a little tweaking with the act.
Being open with your spouse about this is so liberating. When you are intimate with your spouse there is an obvious connection. I believe that when you are able to talk about it there is another connection that takes place. The ability to be honest with your spouse and share even the toughest of truths brings the marriage to another level.
Another reason why I believe this should be talked about is it makes the act of being intimate more meaningful. When you are intimate with your spouse and do not talk about it afterward, and that becomes the norm, the act can turn into a checklist item. The emotional connection begins to disappear and what you have left is an activity that ends up on the calendar. Talking about it gives the act of sex more weight. Think about it, if you have ever had a one night stand, or seen it in a movie, how many times has the couple talked about it? The answer is never. When you get into the habit of not talking about it the emotional connection begins to slip away. So talking about sex is just as important as having it!
WHEN SHOULD YOU TALK ABOUT IT
Now that I have shared why you should talk about it I am going to tell you when you should talk about it. In my opinion, the best time to talk about sex is right after having it. I don’t mean literally the next minute but within the next 30-ish minutes. The reason I believe it is better to do it sooner rather than later is that everything is fresh in your mind. If you wait days or even a week later you won’t be able to remember everything that happened. Life gets crazy and sometimes we do forget things. If discussing it right after makes you uncomfortable then the next day is fine as long as you make it a priority to have the conversation.
HOW SHOULD YOU TALK ABOUT IT
This is the most important step, how you communicate your feelings to your spouse. Most people don’t talk about sex because of how uncomfortable it makes them feel. If you communicate your thoughts and feelings in the right way it can be one of the best things you have ever done for your marriage. Depending on what you are going say depicts how you will say it. If you are going to tell your spouse all positive things then I would recommend being thankful, specific, and sweet. Let there be a softness about your words. You wouldn’t want your kind words to sound harsh.
Now, if you are going to tell your spouse something that you didn’t care for, use the compliment sandwich. Tell them something you did like and be specific. Then tell them what you did not care for and follow that with another “move” you did like. When you communicate this again be thankful, specific and sweet. It can be really hard to hear that you didn’t do so well when it comes to pleasing your spouse. You can try phrasing it
Honey, when you did (fill in the blank) it made me feel great! The move (fill in the blank) was fun to try but made me a little uncomfortable. I love that you are getting adventurous! And that move (fill in the blank) was amazing and made me feel (fill in the blank)
Start positive, put a positive spin on something negative, then finish with a positive.
The last thing you want to do is to become uncomfortable with the act of sex and even worse try to avoid having sex. I truly believe that talking about this with your spouse will improve your marriage in many ways. Keeping the lines of communication open within a marriage is essential and being able to talk about anything and everything is vital. Don’t believe me? Give it a try for a few months and see what happens!
Before you exit this page I want to share a quote with you,
In my practice I’ve found that most couples spend 99.9 percent of their sexual relationship making love, and .1 percent talking about it. I wish it would be more like 90 percent – 10 percent. Oh, couples may joke about sex, but what I’m referring to as “talk” is a substantive discussion where the two of you really share your heart about what you like and don’t like in your sex life. Even married couples – who have seen everything there is to see – may still find it extremely embarrassing and difficult to actually talk about sexual likes and dislikes.
This quote is from the book called Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage and it is one of the best books I have ever read! There is so much baggage and complexity within marital intimacy and this book provided my husband and me with a great foundation. I highly recommend this book. If you are engaged, newly married, or been married for 35+ years this book is for you.
Have you ever tried this in your marriage? What are some of the things you discovered?
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