It’s 6:30 a.m. and the alarm goes off. At 38 weeks pregnant, I muster up all the strength I can to roll myself out of bed. Getting in and out of bed is getting tougher these days. I waddle over to the bathroom to put my glasses on and give myself a quick look in the mirror. Before I step away a sad thought creeps its way into my head…”Man, you look rough.” For the rest of the day I cannot shake that thought. No matter how great my makeup may look or how cute my dress is the truth is I am 38 weeks pregnant and I look rough.
My feet hurt. My back hurts. My joints hurt. Everything from top to bottom is screaming out in pain. On top of feeling physically incapable of accomplishing anything, my emotions are constantly teetering on the edge of being ridiculously happy and immensely sad. Even the most gentle of breezes could push me over. The constant worry over this unborn child becomes so great I become paralyzed by fear, almost unable to move.
Fast forward a week and I find myself lying on an operating table unable to feel 90% of my body and I hear my doctor say, “I am cutting into the uterus now.” Which is barely louder than the Christmas music that is playing over the speakers in the ceiling. The time had come. I was about to meet this amazing, precious gift that I had been blessed to carry for the past nine months. And they were the longest nine months of my life. Day after day of worrying if this child would make it to the end or if he would join his sibling, Spark, who is in heaven. Day after day of wanting a sign to let me know that everything will be okay.
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As my doctor lifted Sweet Bow out of me, the curtain came down so I could see my precious baby. The moment I laid eyes on his perfect body a colossal flood of emotions and tears evacuated my body. I was crying so intensely it felt as if my body was convulsing. I knew it wasn’t possible due to the epidural but the portion of my body that was not affected by the epidural was most certainly convulsing. I was so relieved that I had made it to the finish line of this pregnancy. It felt as though my worries, burdens, and emotions were all taken care of.
This is how I felt during my third pregnancy. I lost my second child in the first trimester…even more than a year later it is still hard to admit. I sit here, in front of my computer trying to figure out how to keep writing. I lost my second child in the first trimester and because of that loss my lens on life is forever changed. My third pregnancy was extremely emotional. I could not bear the thought of losing another child. I tried my best to keep myself busy; I worked out a lot, immersed myself in the blog, and invested a ton of time in my daughter. I figured if I didn’t allow myself to slow down I wouldn’t have to deal with these thoughts and emotions.
It wasn’t until December 20th of 2016 that I realized those thoughts and feelings don’t just go away. They stuck around until I was able to release them, like a tree does when it sheds its leaves. That was the day I gave birth to Sweet Bow.
The truth is pregnancy is not easy and a lot of the time it is not fun. Any woman who has been pregnant can testify to that fact, however, the emotional roller coaster, pains, aches, tears, sweat, and restrictions are all worth it. There is beauty that comes from ashes, joy that comes from pain, happiness that comes from anguish and love that comes from sacrifice. I could not have had one without the other. Life just doesn’t work that way and I would go through it all again to have the precious gifts that have been given to me. My babies are my babies. I don’t know how else to say it. Whether they are physically here with me or not I deeply love them.
Life is full of sadness, disappointment, and pain but that one thing the trumps all of that is love. Life is full of love and in order to fully experience true love I have to be vulnerable. I have to be willing to open myself up to someone other than me. We can go through life and have some ups and downs but to truly LOVE DOING LIFE we have to experience love. We have to be willing to go there. If we don’t go there we will never live life to its fullest potential.
I challenge you today to truly LOVE DOING LIFE. Open yourself up to experience pure love. And I also challenge you to give love. Let your guard down and truly love someone.
HOW DO YOU LOVE DOING LIFE?
SAVE FOR LATER!