Today begins a new series for Love Doing Life! I am excited to be bringing you a marriage series. In this marriage series, I will be sharing encouragement, challenges, and hard truths. My husband and I are always seeking ways to improve our relationship and be better spouses. Sometimes we learn fun things and other times we learn difficult truths about ourselves. The areas I am going to bring up may strike a chord. My intention is NOT to anger anyone just to get you to think. I am simply going to share areas that I have found in my own marriage that need a checkup or a change. In my experience, small things/traits left unaddressed can/most likely turn into big issues. It is always better to intervene when a potential problem comes up the first time as opposed to letting it develop into a massive wedge between you and your spouse. With that said, I believe the bed shared by a husband and a wife is sacred ground and it should be treated as such. Marriage is already difficult enough and when I allow barriers into the marriage bed it will do nothing but hurt me and my husband. So today I am going to share with you 7 silent killers to marital intimacy.
Before I get into each area, I want to first say that I am not a licensed therapist. These are simply discoveries I have made in my own marriage.
When both of our babies were about eight weeks they transitioned from a pack ‘n play, that was in our room, to a crib in their own room. By six weeks they were sleeping through the night. It was definitely difficult to have my babies in a different room than me but it brought my husband and I closer together. When you have a newborn all you can do is focus on that precious bundle of joy, one thing you may not realize is that your spouse is getting left behind. As a mom, I get so focused on taking care of the babies, the house, and the blog that I have pushed my husband to the side. Children should have their time and place and a spouse should have their time and place and sometimes we have to be ok with the fact that they won’t always go together.
For example, having your child in your room or bed much longer than a couple of months old cause a big strain between a husband and a wife. How can you be intimate, in your sacred space as a married couple, if you have a third-party always there? I encourage you to protect that space and set boundaries.
My husband and I do not allow our dog on any furniture. Number one, we think it is gross (our dog likes to roll around in the dirt) and number two, we believe animals have their place. Their place is on the floor. Before you start freaking out, we have a bed for our dog and we love on him and make him feel like he is a part of the family. However, he is not allowed on any furniture. This point somewhat echoes the kids point. How can you be intimate with your spouse if there is a third-party?
I realize in this day and age that the majority of married couples are looking at their phones while in bed. It may not seem like a harmful task but let me ask this question, when was the last time your first desire, once in bed, was to love on your spouse instead of picking up your phone? Just let that sink in for a moment. This is one thing I struggle with. As a blogger, I have to be on social media. After a while, I convinced myself that it’s a part of my job, while that is true I have to respect the time and space that I am in. When the phone is removed from the bedroom it is amazing how much easier it is to connect with your spouse.
Picking up the phone to scroll through Facebook or Instagram is the easy thing to do. Actually connecting with your spouse is the difficult thing to do. Being in a marriage takes effort and connecting with your spouse requires effort. Once you get into the habit of not picking up the phone, I believe that intimacy will flourish.
This is along the same lines as the phone. It is another distraction that creeps its way into the bedroom. Before you know it our Pinterest app gets more action than we do. I encourage you to keep the tablet in the living room and not even bring it into the bedroom.
This may not be a struggle for many but for some bringing work into bed with us is tough not to do. We want to be close to our spouse so that blog post that hasn’t been finished can come to bed with us. If I am trying to finish up a blog post in bed how is that doing me or my husband any good? All it does is stress me out and prevents him from sleep. If this is something you struggle with I encourage you to finish your work before you get into bed. Try this for one week and see how it affects your marriage.
As someone who likes closure, having unresolved issues is not much of a problem for me. On the other hand, my husband is not a fan of conflict so this can be like pulling teeth. I have learned over several years and many discussions there are ways to approach someone and talk things through. I am not the most gracious so the “finding a solution” can be tough. However, if you leave unresolved issues over a period of time they will grow and grow until they seem impossible to deal with. Most people think if they don’t deal with the issue it will just sit on the sideline and be fine. What they don’t account for is the issue will grow until one day that person explodes because they just can’t take it anymore. Working through an issue when it is small is always the easier and wiser option.
Hear me out on this before you close down the tab. I am going to ask you a couple of questions. In the last seven days, how many time did you turn on the television? In the last seven days, how many times did you and your spouse become intimate? If the answer to the first questions is three or more, remove the television. If the answer to the second question is one or less, remove the television. Utilizing the distraction or even just knowing it is there can prevent you from intimacy. I love to watch television and if we had one in our room that would be a big problem. By not having it in our room I have stopped it from ever becoming a problem.
Again, I do not say these things to anger you or point fingers. These are simply observations that I have found in my own life that I thought would be beneficial to others. All I want you to do, along with myself, is to think about these things. Be open to improving and making a change. I fully believe in loving life and living it to its fullest! Let’s commit to Love Doing Life!
What are your thoughts on this topic? Do you have something in your life that hinders intimacy with your spouse? I’d love to learn from your experience!
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